Pocket Sized Pastor*

We’re not doing STDs.

I wonder if I’m the only one that has a really hard time seeing STD, STDs, STD on wedding boards and blogs and not automatically go back to 10th grade health class. Do you remember your STD lecture? I remember my STD lecture. And the slides. Those lovely lovely slides. They were very vivid and disgusting. I had that class right after lunch. Good times good times.

My fiancee and I decided to not do save the dates as a way to save money and also as a way to avoid waste and over exposing our friends to our wedding. As much as we are now “one of those couples that talk about their wedding all the time”, we try to avoid being like that too much. Sure, it’s a big part of our life right now but it’s not the only thing. We also have our cats, dogs, my job, uh….stuff we read on the internet, stuff we read on the news, my love for two ply tissue…um… Ok. I’ll think of some more stuff to talk about then.

Plus, most of our friends and family are on the internet. After telling our close friends and family about our engagement, we announced it on facebook. Everyone we’re going to invite is on facebook or knows someone who is. And if we’re not in normal communication with these people regularly, we decided to not invite them to our wedding. What’s the point in inviting your cousins that you haven’t spoken to in a dozen years to your big day only to ignore them again for another dozen years? That isn’t my style.

I understand the point of Save the Dates. I tend to book my flights and vacations many months in advance but if you need an extravagantly designed of cardboard to remind you that I’m getting married, booking a flight 3 months ahead of my wedding probably isn’t your style. You’ll still get the invitation six to eight weeks ahead of time which will probably work out just fine. And if not, then why don’t you log into your facebook and look at your news feed every once in awhile? We’ve only been talking about this on our wall for a year!

And yes, I know, blaming them is not the polite or smart thing to do and is also something I, and everyone else, wouldn’t try to do in real life but this goes back to my understanding of who should get invited to weddings. People should not be invited “just because”; that’s the easiest way to go completely broke while planning your wedding. Guests should consist of the active people in your life. Active, of course, is subjective and consist of the people you see every day or the people you think about every day but don’t see for years at a time. But, where cutting Save the Dates are a good way to save money, keeping your guest list trimmed this way is even better. That’s how I looked at my guest list even though my fiancee will then bring up the fact that I want to invite the Pope, the Queen, and the Obamas but, come on, they might come. You never know where they’ll be on a Saturday in April 2010.

My fiancee forwarded me a link to show me that engagement rings are getting artified.

And, of course, by artified, I mean that someone did a google image search on god awfully ugly rings and tried to come up with a statement on what an average bloke could buy on two months salary. Lee Gainer’s attempt at showing the differences in what you could get. The problem, of course, is that the rings exhibit no taste or design aesthetic and that, in my mind, actually detracts from what the artist was trying to get across to the viewer. Plus, the fact that it’s hard to distinguish each ring on the page from other rings shows, to me at least, that artist doesn’t understand where the expense in a ring comes from. And the part in their statement about the 3/4 carat ring in NYC ignores that fact that, in NYC, the overall prevailing wisdom is that if you’re going to get a traditional ring, you should aim for 1.5 carats if you have the type of job that lets you live in a trendy spot in Manhattan. That, of course, doesn’t fly in other parts of the country but, again, this is NYC after all. We’re kind of special here.

So what is this piece saying? From the artist’s statement, (and the comments from sites like Jezebel), I’m guessing that the overall point is to try and show one problem with materialism which can lead to the fact that overall value is associated with a paycheck and wealth. The problem, of course, is there is nothing in this piece that, at first glance, shows that. Sure, the A list actor rings are suppose to be larger but the rings are ugly and there is nothing about those diamonds that actually show where the cost differential lies. The 4 c’s aren’t apparent and anyone who has shopped for a diamond knows that is where the price difference comes in. I’ve seen plenty of big ugly diamonds being used in earrings or used as bling for wannabe rap stars. But I don’t know anyone who looks at those ugly ass diamonds and go “oooo”. I know that’s the effect that people who buy these diamonds try to get but it’s a fool’s errand. In my opinion, a more effective presentation, and way, for the artist to get their point across would be to attack the concept of “eye clean” or “ideal” right on its head. Because, and I hate to break it to you, it’s not only size that matters; sparkle and pretty matter too. Critics of diamonds always seem to forget about that last bit.

Looking Like Carrie

You know, I’ve watched most of Sex and the City. My fiancee has the entire series and loves it. She watches it all the time. I, of course, watch along because I can’t read when there’s something on tv (or on a computer). I never saw the movie, however, but I understand the appeal of wanting to be like Carrie. I’ve seen plenty of documentaries where women claim that they’re the real Carrie Bradshaw. And when the movie came out, I saw dozens of women wearing “I’m Carrie” tshirts and tanktops. I almost want to stop them and go “You’re able to afford 500 dollar shoes, party every night, and have a job the requires you to not work?” but we all know that’s not the point of the show. It’s not suppose to be realistic. It fits perfectly with its target market which just happens to be the type of young women who move to NYC. However, I don’t see what’s the point in dropping 15k on a dress to look like Carrie because, unless you’re rail thin because of a coke problem, you’re not going to look the same. If you have boobs, you’ll look better. If you’re curvy, you’re going to look like a muffin top in that dress. And as much as weddings are suppose to be fantasy, it should be fantasy about looking your best NOT looking like someone else because, I’m sorry, if you’re not Sarah Jessica Parker, you’re not going to look like her. And I hope you don’t. She’s a clothes hanger, nothing more.

Mini Pies

Mini Pies have been trendy since at least 2001, if not earlier. Once mini french pastry exploded nation wide, everyone wanted mini pies. I’m a fan of mini key lime pie tarts. Anything I can shovel into my face three at a time is something worth investing in. My only problem, of course, is that it’s really easy to make a bad mini pie. And how? Poorly plated, poorly baked, and poor ingredients can make a mini pie a complete and utter failure. You can get buy with cutting corners on a larger slice because a lot of people don’t have taste and mistake large portions for deliciousness. But with a mini pie, you have one shot at perfection. And if you screw up the taste, that’s it, the experience is over. Mini pies shouldn’t be viewed as a cheaper, or cute, alternative to regular portioned food. They should be viewed as a statement of excellence and deliciousness and should be made at a much higher quality compared to normal pies.

I first saw Lauren Alane’s cake toppers a few days ago, thought I should post about it, and then was quickly distracted by something shiny and forgot where I saw it. Now I’ve discovered that everyone is talking about them now which just shows that bloggers are like viruses and we spread ideas like the plague.

Anyways, I’m man enough to call something adorable and, yes, these cake toppers are adorable. They remind me of elementary school when, as a craft project, us little ones were told to take googly eyes and glue them to walnuts. We’d make owls, birds, trees or, actually, we’d tried to make those but we would really just end up making a big pile of mess. Lauren Alane, of course, makes them a lot better and they do a good job being crafty, modern, and fit in well with the little bird meme that is popular when it comes to weddings. Her products sell out very very fast – within minutes of posting which means I will probably never be able to get one but the thought is nice. Who wouldn’t want a few birds at their wedding? As long as they don’t eat the cake before I do. If they try, I’m bringing my cat.

My wedding band arrived yesterday. My wedding is slightly more than a year away. Am I on top of things or what? And why is everything I do has to be an adventure?

We bought out bands from blue nile because they were having a 10% off sale. And with my belief that platinum will increase in price this year (like it did last year), I thought it would be a good idea to jump on buying it. Plus, with my job now in iffy territory (I was told yesterday to take a 20% cut in hours for April), I figured we should buy this little shiny things while we could afford it.

It was ridiculously easy to buy the band which is always a good thing. What wasn’t ridiculously easy was me buying the right band. My fiancee and I bought wanted thin bands (she went with the 2mm and I went with 3mm) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem is that my ring finger is very weird. In fact, I would claim it might be a little diabolical. And why?

Because it likes being a lot smaller than my right ring finger.

I wear a posey ring that my fiancee bought for me last Valentine’s Day. It says “My Babby” on it. When she asked me to figure out my size, I went to a few jewelers and discovered that, depending on the jeweler, my finger was a different size. It was either a 7 or a 7.5 or an 8. I averaged it out and it was something like 7.47. My fiancee ordered me an 8. It’s loose but I like it that way because I like to remove it when I do the dishes, shower, and do anything where the risk of it falling down a drain is rather high. That is, sadly, one of my fears. I grew up always afraid of the garbage disposal at my parents house. It’s like a monster, lying in wait, just hoping you to put your delicious fingers anywhere near it. Maybe my brother played a cruel joke on me when I was little and turned it on when I was near it, who knows. But rings, my fingers, and drains, just don’t get along.

Now, I knew my left ring finger was smaller than my right. I’m right handed and slightly off balance and, being rather thin overall, I don’t have much meat on my bones. So I figured I’d order a 7.5 ring from Blue Nile and it’ll be loose enough but snug enough to not just vanish all the time. The rings came and I tried mine on while at the office. And it basically slipped off. It was nice and snug on my right hand but totally worthless on my left hand. It confirmed something I had suspected for quite some time.

I am a freak.

Okay, that’s a little harsh but it’s weird when your hands, which I use every day, are completely different sizes. So I called up Blue Nile and went through the hassle to return it. So I had to go to the Post Office, wait in line to ask for a priority mail box, then pack everything, and then wait in line again to mail it. That is one thing I hate about NYC – waiting in line for priority mail boxes. Everywhere else in the country, they’re just lying around the Post Office but NYC hoards them like they’re precious gold. I expect that there is a Golem located in the back of every Post Office holding each priority mail box and going “Precccisssouuuuussssss”. And when you take one, he curses you, your children, your children’s children, and your 2nd grade teacher.

Besides the mailing, the return was painless. I reordered a size 7 ring. It arrived yesterday. I tried it on. It’s as loose as I want it but, honestly, I probably could even pull off a size 6 ring. 1.5 ring difference between my hands. Ugh. Maybe I need to get my left hand to do finger pushups.

Anyways, the bands are IN. I have a few other milestones to write about too. There’s going to be about ten months where I’m going to have nothing to do but complain about other people’s taste. Luckily, I enjoy doing that.