Category: Wedding

My fiancee forwarded me a link to show me that engagement rings are getting artified.

And, of course, by artified, I mean that someone did a google image search on god awfully ugly rings and tried to come up with a statement on what an average bloke could buy on two months salary. Lee Gainer’s attempt at showing the differences in what you could get. The problem, of course, is that the rings exhibit no taste or design aesthetic and that, in my mind, actually detracts from what the artist was trying to get across to the viewer. Plus, the fact that it’s hard to distinguish each ring on the page from other rings shows, to me at least, that artist doesn’t understand where the expense in a ring comes from. And the part in their statement about the 3/4 carat ring in NYC ignores that fact that, in NYC, the overall prevailing wisdom is that if you’re going to get a traditional ring, you should aim for 1.5 carats if you have the type of job that lets you live in a trendy spot in Manhattan. That, of course, doesn’t fly in other parts of the country but, again, this is NYC after all. We’re kind of special here.

So what is this piece saying? From the artist’s statement, (and the comments from sites like Jezebel), I’m guessing that the overall point is to try and show one problem with materialism which can lead to the fact that overall value is associated with a paycheck and wealth. The problem, of course, is there is nothing in this piece that, at first glance, shows that. Sure, the A list actor rings are suppose to be larger but the rings are ugly and there is nothing about those diamonds that actually show where the cost differential lies. The 4 c’s aren’t apparent and anyone who has shopped for a diamond knows that is where the price difference comes in. I’ve seen plenty of big ugly diamonds being used in earrings or used as bling for wannabe rap stars. But I don’t know anyone who looks at those ugly ass diamonds and go “oooo”. I know that’s the effect that people who buy these diamonds try to get but it’s a fool’s errand. In my opinion, a more effective presentation, and way, for the artist to get their point across would be to attack the concept of “eye clean” or “ideal” right on its head. Because, and I hate to break it to you, it’s not only size that matters; sparkle and pretty matter too. Critics of diamonds always seem to forget about that last bit.

Looking Like Carrie

You know, I’ve watched most of Sex and the City. My fiancee has the entire series and loves it. She watches it all the time. I, of course, watch along because I can’t read when there’s something on tv (or on a computer). I never saw the movie, however, but I understand the appeal of wanting to be like Carrie. I’ve seen plenty of documentaries where women claim that they’re the real Carrie Bradshaw. And when the movie came out, I saw dozens of women wearing “I’m Carrie” tshirts and tanktops. I almost want to stop them and go “You’re able to afford 500 dollar shoes, party every night, and have a job the requires you to not work?” but we all know that’s not the point of the show. It’s not suppose to be realistic. It fits perfectly with its target market which just happens to be the type of young women who move to NYC. However, I don’t see what’s the point in dropping 15k on a dress to look like Carrie because, unless you’re rail thin because of a coke problem, you’re not going to look the same. If you have boobs, you’ll look better. If you’re curvy, you’re going to look like a muffin top in that dress. And as much as weddings are suppose to be fantasy, it should be fantasy about looking your best NOT looking like someone else because, I’m sorry, if you’re not Sarah Jessica Parker, you’re not going to look like her. And I hope you don’t. She’s a clothes hanger, nothing more.

Mini Pies

Mini Pies have been trendy since at least 2001, if not earlier. Once mini french pastry exploded nation wide, everyone wanted mini pies. I’m a fan of mini key lime pie tarts. Anything I can shovel into my face three at a time is something worth investing in. My only problem, of course, is that it’s really easy to make a bad mini pie. And how? Poorly plated, poorly baked, and poor ingredients can make a mini pie a complete and utter failure. You can get buy with cutting corners on a larger slice because a lot of people don’t have taste and mistake large portions for deliciousness. But with a mini pie, you have one shot at perfection. And if you screw up the taste, that’s it, the experience is over. Mini pies shouldn’t be viewed as a cheaper, or cute, alternative to regular portioned food. They should be viewed as a statement of excellence and deliciousness and should be made at a much higher quality compared to normal pies.

I first saw Lauren Alane’s cake toppers a few days ago, thought I should post about it, and then was quickly distracted by something shiny and forgot where I saw it. Now I’ve discovered that everyone is talking about them now which just shows that bloggers are like viruses and we spread ideas like the plague.

Anyways, I’m man enough to call something adorable and, yes, these cake toppers are adorable. They remind me of elementary school when, as a craft project, us little ones were told to take googly eyes and glue them to walnuts. We’d make owls, birds, trees or, actually, we’d tried to make those but we would really just end up making a big pile of mess. Lauren Alane, of course, makes them a lot better and they do a good job being crafty, modern, and fit in well with the little bird meme that is popular when it comes to weddings. Her products sell out very very fast – within minutes of posting which means I will probably never be able to get one but the thought is nice. Who wouldn’t want a few birds at their wedding? As long as they don’t eat the cake before I do. If they try, I’m bringing my cat.

My wedding band arrived yesterday. My wedding is slightly more than a year away. Am I on top of things or what? And why is everything I do has to be an adventure?

We bought out bands from blue nile because they were having a 10% off sale. And with my belief that platinum will increase in price this year (like it did last year), I thought it would be a good idea to jump on buying it. Plus, with my job now in iffy territory (I was told yesterday to take a 20% cut in hours for April), I figured we should buy this little shiny things while we could afford it.

It was ridiculously easy to buy the band which is always a good thing. What wasn’t ridiculously easy was me buying the right band. My fiancee and I bought wanted thin bands (she went with the 2mm and I went with 3mm) so that wasn’t the problem. The problem is that my ring finger is very weird. In fact, I would claim it might be a little diabolical. And why?

Because it likes being a lot smaller than my right ring finger.

I wear a posey ring that my fiancee bought for me last Valentine’s Day. It says “My Babby” on it. When she asked me to figure out my size, I went to a few jewelers and discovered that, depending on the jeweler, my finger was a different size. It was either a 7 or a 7.5 or an 8. I averaged it out and it was something like 7.47. My fiancee ordered me an 8. It’s loose but I like it that way because I like to remove it when I do the dishes, shower, and do anything where the risk of it falling down a drain is rather high. That is, sadly, one of my fears. I grew up always afraid of the garbage disposal at my parents house. It’s like a monster, lying in wait, just hoping you to put your delicious fingers anywhere near it. Maybe my brother played a cruel joke on me when I was little and turned it on when I was near it, who knows. But rings, my fingers, and drains, just don’t get along.

Now, I knew my left ring finger was smaller than my right. I’m right handed and slightly off balance and, being rather thin overall, I don’t have much meat on my bones. So I figured I’d order a 7.5 ring from Blue Nile and it’ll be loose enough but snug enough to not just vanish all the time. The rings came and I tried mine on while at the office. And it basically slipped off. It was nice and snug on my right hand but totally worthless on my left hand. It confirmed something I had suspected for quite some time.

I am a freak.

Okay, that’s a little harsh but it’s weird when your hands, which I use every day, are completely different sizes. So I called up Blue Nile and went through the hassle to return it. So I had to go to the Post Office, wait in line to ask for a priority mail box, then pack everything, and then wait in line again to mail it. That is one thing I hate about NYC – waiting in line for priority mail boxes. Everywhere else in the country, they’re just lying around the Post Office but NYC hoards them like they’re precious gold. I expect that there is a Golem located in the back of every Post Office holding each priority mail box and going “Precccisssouuuuussssss”. And when you take one, he curses you, your children, your children’s children, and your 2nd grade teacher.

Besides the mailing, the return was painless. I reordered a size 7 ring. It arrived yesterday. I tried it on. It’s as loose as I want it but, honestly, I probably could even pull off a size 6 ring. 1.5 ring difference between my hands. Ugh. Maybe I need to get my left hand to do finger pushups.

Anyways, the bands are IN. I have a few other milestones to write about too. There’s going to be about ten months where I’m going to have nothing to do but complain about other people’s taste. Luckily, I enjoy doing that.

I don’t think I realized, before I got engaged, what engagement rings mean in the social circle of women.

When I thought about and looked at the engagement ring, I focused on two things: the concept of it and the cost and not in that order. I’m pretty paranoid when it comes to money. I don’t mind spending it, what I do mind is not being able to save it. And with my freelance job, sometimes I go by with months where saving isn’t an option. And all that does is increase my stomach discomfort, makes me slightly irritable, and I view everything in terms of dollars and cost. It’s not something I’m proud of but, well, I’m working on it.

But an engagement ring is also a sign of commitment. It’s when I put my money into an external and physical symbolic piece of metal that says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” and that I want to pledge that devotion to God, my family, my friends and my cat. That last one is very important. So, when I wanted to marry my fiancee, and we went ring shopping, I cared quite a bit that she got the ring she wanted. I wanted her to always admire how it sparkles no matter where she is and if she tried to hypnotize me sometimes with it, telling me to go that I’m getting sleepy and that I need to make her a sandwich, that’s good too. The actual material of the ring didn’t matter – it’s her loving it that mattered.

But, WHOA, was I not expecting how women tend to react to my fiancee’s engagement ring. I don’t mean in a bad way, I mean that when women talk about engagement rings together, they unleash all these hidden social cues and meanings that I never picked up on before. I joked with my fiancee that all I really care about is her making other women jealous but I didn’t think that would actually be true. When you live in New York City, it’s not hard to see HUGE DIAMOND RINGS or to see rings on young women’s hands that could probably be used to create optical traps to help give humanity cold fusion. In fact, I’m usually amazed that the women are able to hold up their hands at all but they probably get use to it. When you have the diamond district and the prevailing wisdom that diamonds are required to be .5 carats bigger in NYC than anywhere else, huge is in. Sure, the hipsters in Brooklyn might claim that’s not true but lets be honest, it is. NYC is BIG and values BIG and that impacts everything in our lives.

So last night, at my fiancee’s friend’s birthday party, my fiancee and I struck up a conversation with a newly wed. She heard we were recently engaged, asked us all sorts of details about the wedding, and then wanted to see the ring. She oowed, awwwwed, and loved it in all sorts of ways that my fiancee and I tend not to see from our social circles. In fact, she seemed a tad jealous. She loved how it was set and was jealous when she compared her ring to my fiancee’s even though my fiancee’s diamond looked smaller. They both had cushions, they both loved simple bands, but her husband got her a thick band while I let my fiancee pick the ring out herself.

Hint to all the dudes out there; let her pick it out herself.

The newlywed mentioned that her now husband spent a lot of time picking out a ring that really mattered to him. The style of the band was important, he wanted to own it, and it was a big deal for him to give his now wife that ring. Of course, she said she’d reset it in ten years for a simple band, but my fiancee and I both wondered later about why the newlywed’s husband really needed to pick the band. In fact, why do a lot of guys focus so much on getting a ring they like rather than a ring their fiancee will like? Is this our version of when women go dress shopping with their friends where everyone dresses themselves rather than the bride to be? Or is is something more subtle than that.

I, of course, automatically assumed that it was a control thing. He wanted to control the decision because he’s controlling the decision to propose. He’s focused on the fantasy in his head, what he wants his future wife to wear, and, although he does truly want to marry this one young woman, he can’t let go of his desire to feel a sense of ownership with the decision. I related it to when people make mixtapes for their new found crushes. People tend to pick songs and music that speaks to THEM without realizing that their new crushes might dislike small Brooklyn dance hall bands and really like Top 40 stuff. The idea is, again, one of ownership. It takes time, and effort, to be like the guy in High Fidelity and learn to put songs on the disc that she would like and would make her happy. Using other people’s poetry to describe what you are feeling doesn’t mean that only the feelings you feel are the most important. Conveying the message and getting the similar reaction in a totally different person is the big deal and that, sadly, is something a lot of people don’t learn.

Some say that’s because people are inherently selfish. I just say that it’s hard to live outside of your own head.

And as much as I’d like to play armchair psychologist with the newlywed’s husband, I realized later that I wasn’t talking about him – I was talking about me. I was talking about the phase in my past, and current, life where I struggle to live outside of myself and look at what brings my fiancee joy. And looking back at my past relationships, I realized that this was always always a problem and even if I try to view myself as some unselfish sensitive wonderful guy who was just misunderstood, it really turned out that I was merely just living in my own head and failing, miserably, to look outside it. And I finally did learn, mostly, how to get past that. I stopped making mix tapes and I started giving my fiancee coupons for Combos and Cheezits.

Many women do enjoy looking at engagement rings. I have one friend who likes wearing my fiancee’s ring. I have another friend who mentioned to her husband that my fiancee’s ring was a lot bigger. I have friends who are annoyed with me at how much that ring cost. And as much as I originally wanted this post to be about what I see when women look at engagement rings, I really don’t know much about it. I’m a groomzilla after all – I see the world of weddings through the social conditionings of a United States that gives definitions to what is, and what isn’t, socially acceptable for guys depending on your class, your money, your looks, and your skin color. But I do realize that most weddings really aren’t about living outside yourself and, as much as the indie/DIY/whatever movement likes to claim, even trying to make weddings personal or unique or whatever fails to really address the fact that we all struggle living outside our own heads. If you make your wedding “unique”, you’re falling into the trap where you wedding is limited to merely what’s inside your head and that’s like buying a thick band for a woman who likes thin. In the overall scheme of things, it might not matter; she’ll love you just the same. But why get the ring set again in 10 years when, with a little effort, you could get it right the first time? What’s wrong with that?

My fiancee read another blog where they were showcasing the wedding cards on someecards and she sent me this one. This is why we are a couple.

For when I decide to clean up my drafts and realize I don’t want to write entire posts about all the links I’ve found.

Calligraphy

Did you use to be like me and think calligraphy was just a ridiculous waste of money? And then you realized that you need to build a wedding website and, eep, font matters? Yeah. I know. It’s okay. I’m stupid sometimes too. I’ll probably write a whole post about fonts at some point but looking at stuff like this is a good place for me to start. Do I think that calligraphy is a really trendy thing right now? Yes. Do I think it’s overdone and another one of those things that is viewed as a detail that needs paying attention to when, in reality, it doesn’t? Yep. But is there a frugal and cheap way to join a love of calligraphy with a low budget? Duh. The website. I need to really start working on that.

Ties

I could write a huge post about how I think bridal parties beyond the usual 3 on each side is a dumb dumb dumb new tradition but that doesn’t mean
I have to fight the fact that they all need to be dressed with fabulous ties. I’ve known about these tie makers for a long time but I keep forgetting about them because they never have the skinny tie in the color/design that I want. Sure, it’s a tad indie and trendy but a nice tie is a nice detail that works for any grooms/groomsmen and is something they should be paying attention to which is something I definitely do support.

Punk Rock Bride

I’ve seen punk rock bride get noticed quite a bit over the last week or so (The Unbride alerted me to them the first time) and I thought I’d mention them too. I was going to snark about how it’s sad that having sleeves or straps is now considered punk rock but, well, they’ve got plenty of strapless dresses too. I really do like their forms and silhouettes and hope that more brides aim towards those type of dresses (if they look good on you of course) but it looks like I will have to find my standard bearers for the wedding dress revolution somewhere else. Oh well.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about the recommendation for the groom to play golf on his wedding day but I hope it’s the last. If there was anything that sounded country club, exclusive, old money, old boy ridiculousness, it’s golfing on your wedding day. It’s partially labeled as an event for grooms to relax and bond with their fathers, future father-in-law, brother, etc but there is always a hint that the groom needs to do it now because he won’t be able to for awhile. And why? Because of the old ball and chain of his future wife is going to stop him from his early morning tee times. Gag me with a frickin’ spoon. I know that 1950s themed wedding fashion is trendy right now but that doesn’t mean you have to act the part. So while your bride and her entourage spend hours doing their hair and their makeup, the mothers busy organizing all the last details of the wedding, the groom gets to spend the morning working off his hangover and the smell of strippers by playing a round of golf. Sheesh.

Am I reading too much into this? Yes. Am I exaggerating? You betcha. But it does illustrate the overall idea that, on his wedding day and the entire process, it’s taught that the groom gets to slack off while his bride does all the work and worrying. Of course this isn’t how it really works, but that’s the social perception. Is that how my wedding day is going to be? Of course not. Why waste a perfectly good morning trying to not stress about the wedding? Considering all the time, energy, and money I’ll be putting into it, even a drug induced coma won’t lower my stress levels. So why fight it? Why not just embrace it and participate in it? I’ll have plenty of time to destress while stuffing my face with fruit snacks that I’ll be keeping in my coat pocket.

I’ve already been thinking about how to structure my pre-wedding wedding day. Since the ceremony will be at 1pm, and with formal pictures starting an hour earlier (no point in waiting till after the ceremony to feed our guests), that morning rituals will be kept to a minimum. In fact, I’m guessing it’ll go something like this.

7:30am Alarm goes off. Turn it off. Question why you needed to eat two grande burritos the night before.
7:35 Kick Chula off the bed, ignore her whining for food since there already is food in the bowl.
7:36 Go wake up my brother and his wife who will be sleeping in my living room. He’ll throw a pillow at me and demand Chic Fil’a.
7:40 Jump in the shower. Exfoliate like mad.
8:00 Put on pants/suit/tux whatever. Feed Chula. Finally kick my brother out of his bed.
8:05 Start eating a breakfast of diet coke and yogurt. Pop an emergent-c.
8:07 Turn on computer. Post a twitter message that says “lol gettin’ married”.
8:08 Post a facebook status message that’s somewhat more intellligent than the twitter post.
8:10 check your RSS feeds to read all relevant celebrity gossip
8:15 Gather all necessary supplies (marriage license, fruit snacks, rings, etc).
8:20 Gather camera equipment
8:25 Curse your computer for being too old/slow and not letting you post a new image to flickr.
8:30 Help brother put on his bountinerre.
8:44 Say goodbye to Chula, joke that she’s getting a new roommate who’s a dog, tell her to stay out of trouble and notice that she’s already hanging out in your brother’s suitcase and shedding on everything.
8:45 Head to the subway and remind brother that there is only one Chic Fil’a and that’s in Manhattan and not on the way to the church.
8:53 Wonder where the subway is
9:00 Notice that the subways are busted and running express on the downtown side and that you’ll need to head to Queensboro and then take an uptown train back to Broadway. Grumble about the New York State senate not bailing out MTA.
9:30 Get to Church. Pop a few tums as anxiety sets in. Continue setting up the church for reception. Worry that there aren’t enough cakes and seats for the old ladies to sit in.
9:35 Smile as several old ladies who volunteered to help are already there making coffee and saying how handsome you are.
9:43 Realize you left the marriage license and supplies back at the apartment. Send your brother back to get it. Also ignore his pointing out that you didn’t forget your camera but all the important things.
9:55 Set up the sound system, start up some Ozomatli to start the day off right.
9:56 Make a fake dance move, act cocky and all that, slip and almost crash head long into the cake.
10:03 Bust out the camera, wonder where your brother is.
10:17 Receive your first phone call asking for directions to the church.
10:21 Fix your collar for the 1 millionth time.
10:23 Receive 5th phone call asking for direction to the church.
10:33 Rearrange the cupcakes. Again.
10:34 Welcome back brother to the church.
10:36 Take some more tums.
10:43 Get kicked out of the kitchen since everything is under control. Go sit on the old couch, watch some cartoons.
10:54 Get restless, go upstairs to the Nave to look at the decorations.
11:03 Pick up one of the old hymnals, go over the marriage ceremony again.
11:08 Put the bulletins where they belong. Realize that you forgot to memorize the Nicene creed. Don’t remember if the creed is said or not at the ceremony.
11:17 Go downstairs and back into the Fellowship hall since my parents arrived early.
11:23 Pin boutonniere on Dad.
11:27 Receive a text from bride asking for a small bag of Dorritos.
11:28 Go to the corner store, buy Dorritos.
11:30 Go back to fellowship hall, rearrange whoopie pies.
11:33 Joke about opening the Champagne early.
11:42 Contemplate eating the Dorritos.
11:47 Go to the Nave and start saying hi to all the family members that have arrived. Wonder if it’s too late to just go and elope at City Hall.
11:52 Spend too much time trying to take a nice DOF picture of a orchid.
11:54 Say hi to photographer who just arrived.
11:57 Tie shoe.
11:58 Tie the other shoe.
12:01 Notice that one of the banners is tilted. Tilt it back.
12:03 Go to the top of the choir loft, take a picture of all the family members milling about.
12:07 Get told to come down, put camera away, cuz bride is on her way.
12:09 Swallow twice. Check if you smell.
12:13 Bride arrives. Give her Dorritos.

Brides are deciding what we wear? Excuse me grooms, but this is inexcusable.

There is nothing wrong with the blog post above. In fact, it’s extremely well put together. In it, a bride shares pictures of suits/tuxes and her rational for what her lovely groom will wear on his wedding day. She googles, she shops around, she makes an informed decision. She finds a tux rental look that she really likes (and I might steal depending on how my budget works out). I disagree on calling it hipster but that’s a minor detail. Being in New York and a bit of a fashion diva myself, hipster is a specific term for me. A tux without a cumberband isn’t hipster. It’s not vintage either. Rather, I’d call it modern. It’s a good look and, depending on how form fitting it is, it can be pretty fantastic. So why am I disappointed with that post? It’s this line specifically.

No offense to all of those brides that are choosing tuxedos for the menswear on their big day, but they are just not for my wedding.

Dudes. When did this happen?

Let Neil Patrick Harris help you help yourself!

We’re part of the patriarchy. We’re suppose to own the world. We make 25% more than our female counterparts, our professional sports teams dominate their women competition, we’ve served as the primary combat forces for 40,000 years. And yet, on our marriage day, we’ve given up our ability to dress ourselves. We can push a button and destroy the world but we crap our pants when it comes figuring out what kind of suit we should wear on our wedding day. And if you are one of the few who DO care, you’re considered weird, out of touch, and “different”. Shame shame shame.

An engaged groom can’t be like this. Having a look that goes with your bride is fantastic and should be encouraged on your wedding day. And if you are going the traditional route and not seeing her dress before the big day, her input on how to match her dress is extremely important. But that doesn’t mean that a groom should give up the opportunity to dress his best on his big day. Grooms across the world should be doing what that bride above did and not leaving it up to their bride to be. Research, learn, study, and pick up a Details or GQ every once in awhile. It’s what an engaged groom SHOULD do. Just because it is taught in our American society that the bride and her family control the big day doesn’t mean that is how it always should be. They’re taught at a young age that they might have to handle their own wedding planning. Us guys are suppose to stand back. But this the 21st century. I’m not here to write a blank check and not be involved. If I didn’t want to have any influence in my own life, I’d still live with my parents.

Pick your socks. Pick your shoes. Pick your suit. Pick your tux. Show them with your bride, get involved with her style, learn what “goes” and what matches when you’re a couple on your big day. Since I’m going to be spending the rest of my life being asked “How do I look?” by my future wife, shouldn’t I at least have some knowledge and know what I’m talking about? Otherwise how will my “You look fine” ever really be honest? Fashion knowledge is useful knowledge people. And it’s about time grooms are forced to learn it.