Golfing on your Wedding Day or how advice for Grooms can be ridiculous.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about the recommendation for the groom to play golf on his wedding day but I hope it’s the last. If there was anything that sounded country club, exclusive, old money, old boy ridiculousness, it’s golfing on your wedding day. It’s partially labeled as an event for grooms to relax and bond with their fathers, future father-in-law, brother, etc but there is always a hint that the groom needs to do it now because he won’t be able to for awhile. And why? Because of the old ball and chain of his future wife is going to stop him from his early morning tee times. Gag me with a frickin’ spoon. I know that 1950s themed wedding fashion is trendy right now but that doesn’t mean you have to act the part. So while your bride and her entourage spend hours doing their hair and their makeup, the mothers busy organizing all the last details of the wedding, the groom gets to spend the morning working off his hangover and the smell of strippers by playing a round of golf. Sheesh.

Am I reading too much into this? Yes. Am I exaggerating? You betcha. But it does illustrate the overall idea that, on his wedding day and the entire process, it’s taught that the groom gets to slack off while his bride does all the work and worrying. Of course this isn’t how it really works, but that’s the social perception. Is that how my wedding day is going to be? Of course not. Why waste a perfectly good morning trying to not stress about the wedding? Considering all the time, energy, and money I’ll be putting into it, even a drug induced coma won’t lower my stress levels. So why fight it? Why not just embrace it and participate in it? I’ll have plenty of time to destress while stuffing my face with fruit snacks that I’ll be keeping in my coat pocket.

I’ve already been thinking about how to structure my pre-wedding wedding day. Since the ceremony will be at 1pm, and with formal pictures starting an hour earlier (no point in waiting till after the ceremony to feed our guests), that morning rituals will be kept to a minimum. In fact, I’m guessing it’ll go something like this.

7:30am Alarm goes off. Turn it off. Question why you needed to eat two grande burritos the night before.
7:35 Kick Chula off the bed, ignore her whining for food since there already is food in the bowl.
7:36 Go wake up my brother and his wife who will be sleeping in my living room. He’ll throw a pillow at me and demand Chic Fil’a.
7:40 Jump in the shower. Exfoliate like mad.
8:00 Put on pants/suit/tux whatever. Feed Chula. Finally kick my brother out of his bed.
8:05 Start eating a breakfast of diet coke and yogurt. Pop an emergent-c.
8:07 Turn on computer. Post a twitter message that says “lol gettin’ married”.
8:08 Post a facebook status message that’s somewhat more intellligent than the twitter post.
8:10 check your RSS feeds to read all relevant celebrity gossip
8:15 Gather all necessary supplies (marriage license, fruit snacks, rings, etc).
8:20 Gather camera equipment
8:25 Curse your computer for being too old/slow and not letting you post a new image to flickr.
8:30 Help brother put on his bountinerre.
8:44 Say goodbye to Chula, joke that she’s getting a new roommate who’s a dog, tell her to stay out of trouble and notice that she’s already hanging out in your brother’s suitcase and shedding on everything.
8:45 Head to the subway and remind brother that there is only one Chic Fil’a and that’s in Manhattan and not on the way to the church.
8:53 Wonder where the subway is
9:00 Notice that the subways are busted and running express on the downtown side and that you’ll need to head to Queensboro and then take an uptown train back to Broadway. Grumble about the New York State senate not bailing out MTA.
9:30 Get to Church. Pop a few tums as anxiety sets in. Continue setting up the church for reception. Worry that there aren’t enough cakes and seats for the old ladies to sit in.
9:35 Smile as several old ladies who volunteered to help are already there making coffee and saying how handsome you are.
9:43 Realize you left the marriage license and supplies back at the apartment. Send your brother back to get it. Also ignore his pointing out that you didn’t forget your camera but all the important things.
9:55 Set up the sound system, start up some Ozomatli to start the day off right.
9:56 Make a fake dance move, act cocky and all that, slip and almost crash head long into the cake.
10:03 Bust out the camera, wonder where your brother is.
10:17 Receive your first phone call asking for directions to the church.
10:21 Fix your collar for the 1 millionth time.
10:23 Receive 5th phone call asking for direction to the church.
10:33 Rearrange the cupcakes. Again.
10:34 Welcome back brother to the church.
10:36 Take some more tums.
10:43 Get kicked out of the kitchen since everything is under control. Go sit on the old couch, watch some cartoons.
10:54 Get restless, go upstairs to the Nave to look at the decorations.
11:03 Pick up one of the old hymnals, go over the marriage ceremony again.
11:08 Put the bulletins where they belong. Realize that you forgot to memorize the Nicene creed. Don’t remember if the creed is said or not at the ceremony.
11:17 Go downstairs and back into the Fellowship hall since my parents arrived early.
11:23 Pin boutonniere on Dad.
11:27 Receive a text from bride asking for a small bag of Dorritos.
11:28 Go to the corner store, buy Dorritos.
11:30 Go back to fellowship hall, rearrange whoopie pies.
11:33 Joke about opening the Champagne early.
11:42 Contemplate eating the Dorritos.
11:47 Go to the Nave and start saying hi to all the family members that have arrived. Wonder if it’s too late to just go and elope at City Hall.
11:52 Spend too much time trying to take a nice DOF picture of a orchid.
11:54 Say hi to photographer who just arrived.
11:57 Tie shoe.
11:58 Tie the other shoe.
12:01 Notice that one of the banners is tilted. Tilt it back.
12:03 Go to the top of the choir loft, take a picture of all the family members milling about.
12:07 Get told to come down, put camera away, cuz bride is on her way.
12:09 Swallow twice. Check if you smell.
12:13 Bride arrives. Give her Dorritos.