Today, I presented my second verbatim at CPE. So far, I’ve been enjoying the verbatim process. I analyzed a visit, drew some conclusions from it, thought I did a good job, and then was shown that I had been triangulated, undergone some transference, and lacked a curiosity that would have helped with the visit. I did fine but I could have done better. For over an hour, we talked about what I could have done better and the group brought up things they struggle with that was related to what I had done. I had missed some important cues and part of my summer will be spent trying to hear those cues, get curious about them, and then see if the patient I am talking to has an image of God or any sort of spirituality that plays a role in what bringing them hope, meaning, and connection. I just hope that, during the next few days, someone will actually take me up on my offer to talk with them. It’s been two days of “no, I’m fine” or “I’m not into religion.” That can get old after awhile.
In other news, I witnessed something at the hospital on Monday that horrified me. It’s interesting because, of all the people I’ve seen, with all the tubes and medical devices, nothing had really thrown me for a loop yet. However, what I saw near the end of the day was just haunting. It’s an image that I’ve been carrying with me since and that still just hangs in the air around me. It doesn’t cause me to lose sleep or to stop talking with individuals. I’m still able to laugh, make jokes, etc. It doesn’t feel to be holding me back. But what I saw did truly frightened me in a new way. And, for the moment at least, I’m not trying to explain the feeling away nor am I trying to process past it quickly. Rather, one of my learning goals this summer is to try and stay with the feelings I’m having, to acknowledge them, sit with them, and bring them into the present. I have shared this image with my colleagues and mentioned my feelings about it – but I haven’t tried to process it away just yet. And I’ve discovered that, even though it repulsed me, I’m not really afraid of going back to the place where I saw it. I am taking time away for myself, but, in reality, I could easily go back to that place. By holding onto the feeling and the moment, I’m actually still able to function and live in all my present moments. What horrified me didn’t hold me back even though, four weeks ago, I would have told you it would. I keep surprising myself in very tiny ways.